Listening to Yourself: The Skill Most People Forget
We’ve all been told to “be a good listener.” We practice patience with friends, we focus on colleagues, we try to listen carefully to our partners. But here’s a question we rarely ask: When was the last time you listened to yourself?
Most of us are so busy tuning into others that we forget to tune into the one voice that guides every decision we make, our own.
Why Self-Listening Matters
Listening to yourself is about integrity. Integrity isn’t just keeping promises to others, it’s also about keeping promises to yourself. It’s when your words and actions are integrated, when the life you say you want matches the choices you actually make.
But here’s the trap: if you don’t take time to listen inwardly, you can drift. You’ll say you value health while grabbing fast food, or claim you want to be present while scrolling on your phone. Without self-listening, you slowly lose alignment with who you want to be.
Recognising Your Inner Signals
Just as people give away clues through body language, your mind and body send signals too. That knot in your stomach, the constant sighs, the restless nights. These are gestures from your unconscious. They’re saying, pay attention, something isn’t right.
Often, we ignore these signals. We push through, distract ourselves, or explain them away. But listening inwardly means noticing them, then asking: What is this really about? What am I not saying to myself?
Values as an Inner Compass
One of the most powerful tools for self-listening is to check in with your values. The Integrated Values Iceberg shows us that decisions only stick when your unconscious values align with your conscious goals.
For example, if you keep setting goals but never follow through, it may not be a discipline problem, it may be a values problem. Something deeper in you doesn’t believe, or doesn’t care, about the goal. By listening to yourself at that level and asking who you want to be, why it matters, and what beliefs are holding you back you can uncover the real story.
Practical Steps for Listening to Yourself
So how do you do it? Here are a few practices to try:
- Make space for silence. Set aside five minutes a day with no distractions. Just breathe, notice your thoughts, and see what surfaces.
- Summarise your own thoughts. Write them down in your own words. Sometimes seeing your thoughts reflected back helps you spot the real issue.
- Ask the “ownership” question. When you feel stuck or frustrated, pause and ask: What can I do about it? This shifts you from blame to responsibility.
- Check alignment. Compare your daily actions with your stated values. Where are they consistent? Where is there a gap? That gap is where you need to listen most.
Listening to yourself isn’t indulgent, it’s essential. It’s the skill that helps you live with integrity, make better decisions, and show up more fully for others. When you give yourself the same gift of presence you give others, you stop drifting and start leading your own life.
Listening Tip
This week, try this: At the end of each day, ask yourself, “Did my actions reflect the life I say I want?” Write down what you notice. You may be surprised by what you hear when you finally stop and listen.
Related Resources
- 📖 Book: Listening – A Guide to Building Deeper Connections – available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook.
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